Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
