yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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