two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
