the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
