i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
