Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you would pick up someone in the library
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
