If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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