im six kinds of drunk right now
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
