All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
