I want to have your abortion
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
