yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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