That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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