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he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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