There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i think i just lost a toe
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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