we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
