I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
