She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i've created a new STD.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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