So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
