oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
