why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I skipped work to stalk him.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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