watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
