Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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