Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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