I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
