I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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