My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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