guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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