Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
