Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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