I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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