I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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