My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
