Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This beer is not sobering me up at all
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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