you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
