Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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