these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
