the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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