On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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