sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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