3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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