I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
These tits shall not be calmed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
