Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
