just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
