I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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