hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
