I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I enjoy the company of your penis
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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