I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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