I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
