when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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