It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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