it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
farters have to be the big spoon...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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