During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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