Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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