I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
