I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
